My life's history so far, in no particular order (I'm probably lying about some of these):
- Born, June 25, 1968. (I'm still trying to get over this part.)
- Overcame a bad case of electrogeniphobia. (fear of peeing during electrical storms)
- Mortified to find spiders in my bathing suit. (see first comment)
- Geoff Miller once quoted me. (A point of pride)
- Given sedatives.
- Wisdom tooth painfully extracted in torturous 90 minute session. (Before previous event.)
- Talked to myself out loud. (More than once)
- Knew the guy your mother was talking about when she said "You'll poke your eye out."
- Never got so drunk as to puke, but twice so much as to want to.
- Voluntarily let the dog poop on my shoe.
- High school miscreant. (Rule: NEVER 'fess up to anything)
- Habitually watched "Knight Rider". (Not a point of pride)
- Ran down the steps 5 at a time and tore a tendon. (I'm the guy your mother.... oh never mind.)
- Once learned to say my name backward so it sounded right backward, then forgot how again.
- Observed very young brother to eat the cat's vomit. (I won't mention the parastic worms. whoops.)
- Peed on an electrical fence.
- Never learned the value of 'pi' past a few useful digits. (A point of pride)
- 10 Struggled to pay attention in class. Drew cartoons instead. Failed class. Goto 10.
- Discovered Republicans. (See first comment)
- Cavorted with Bosco Brainly. (This took 2 pots of coffee, 1 liter of Coke, and 26 consecutive hours programming)
- Looked up the meaning of the word "nudibranch". (Just now)
- Not nearly as impressed as I thought I'd be. (Also just now, ongoing regret)
- Watched TV and saw men on the moon. (Had no idea what I was looking at)
- Kept a pet tarantula named "Octal". (Later dubbed "Septal", "Sextal, then "Pental" and then it croaked. It's a math joke. Oh, nevermind.)
- Learned to enjoy programming in Forth. (Not a point of pride)
- Started learning to play the bagpipe. (In an apartment)
- Learned to pass out on cue.
- Discovered abandoned well full of snakes.
- Accidentally drowned gophers.
- Deliberately drowned grasshoppers. (And then played 'Frankenstein' with a 9 volt battery)
- Burned off eyebrows and some hair while playing with fire. (Twice)
- Tutored for ACM and helped student whose program wouldn't do anything because he commented everything out. (to get it to compile)
- Kept pet mold farm "Ralph" hidden in shared ACM office. (Hi Rob :)
- Made artificial stone wall in my office to resemble a dungeon.
- Spat a mouthful of chewed carrots at a childhood bully. Beaten.
- Kicked out of Sunday School as a young lad for singing the wrong words to the songs. ("He's go the whooole world, in his butt!"). Never found religion again.
Let's go back to the warmth of home, shall we?
Copyright (C) 1995-2000 by Kevin Kelm